Show of hands – how many of us have been sold this lie? I’d really like to know who came up with this Bible voodoo as a way to guilt you into dating someone who either hasn’t planned for or doesn’t have the means to provide at least basic necessities for his future wife. When I was dating a few years back, there were some specific scriptures I would read and meditate on quite often. Take Proverbs 24:27, for example. Go on, grab a cup of tea and take a look…I’ll wait. I was puzzled by the amount of single people (both young and old) who seemed to conveniently ignore this scripture. The scripture addresses young men saying “Prepare your outside work and get everything ready in the field, then build your house.” Doesn’t this scripture indicate that there should be some level of preparation before a man takes on the responsibility of caring for a household? A single male friend of mine once told me he saw beauty in a husband and wife coming together and struggling together…I thought about it for a second and said “nope, not for me.” I wasn’t struggling on my own…why would I choose to walk right into struggling with someone? Can’t there be beauty in two “got–their-stuff-together” individuals getting together and hopping right into life with little down time? I already know someone is reading this and saying “but marriage will have ups and downs and isn’t always perfect”… ok…that’s great and all, but I didn’t want to be starting out down as soon as I was married.
I would also read the scripture at 1 Timothy 5:8. It says “Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.” Shouldn’t a verse like this motivate perfectly capable Christian men who are desiring a wife to want to be in a position to provide for their family? Do you want to know what happens when you ignore these principles?
1.You may end up going on a date – and paying for it…out of pity….and wondering if you’re on an episode of Punk’d.
2.The majority of the time you may end up going out for coffee or dessert – if you ask for dinner, you may get a side eye.
3.You may end up with a guy who wants you to drive all the time (beware of this one…he rarely offers gas money).
4.You may end up with a guy who watches you pull up to the gas pump, swipe YOUR credit card, and THEN get out of the car and offer to pump the gas for you. (think about this one for a moment)
Yep…you’re going to get tired of this. As resentment slowly builds inside like a teapot on medium heat setting, when you politely point out you’ve been paying more than your fair share in the beginning dating stages, guess what else you may get? You get a semi-aggressive version of “I spent my last dime taking you to Dennys.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be appreciative. I’m also not labeling a person like this a dreg of society. I’m really not. I just have to wonder, if we are two responsible, mature adults taking time out of our busy schedules to put in effort to find a suitable life partner…shouldn’t this be a glaring warning sign to pay attention to? What if we were to fall madly in love and marry? Weddings cost money. What if I became pregnant shortly after? Babies cost money. How would this person in their current state handle these situations? Are they rushing to set their family up to struggle? Or, do they have a plan in place that will allow them to take on the provider role in the family?
At some point BEFORE we start seriously dating someone, we must ask ourselves just what exactly it is that we have to offer a mate. Otherwise, it just seems selfish to try and date someone with a view to marriage knowing that you have everything to gain from this person, but not much to give.
In conclusion, there are obviously more things Christian men considering marriage should bring to the table in relationships besides the ability to make enough money to provide necessities for his family (that will be covered in a later blog post) . However, let’s not pretend that finances aren’t a part of the equation. Also, let’s not attempt to Bible shame women who refuse to date men who are not in a position to fulfill the provider role. Women are not wrong for wanting to date men who either meet, or are actively trying to meet this requirement by learning some type of skill. If you happen to be one of the women who do date men who can’t provide, have at it…but just know you don’t have to deal with this. You can choose better….and you can request a copy of a w-2 as a pre-qualifier before you accept another date! (Just kidding)
Hahaha great post Lauren! I love the comment about the W-2 at the end! 🙂 It’s very true that people often try to shame sisters into accepting brothers who aren’t financially responsible, as if it makes you an “unspiritual woman” if you even mention finances at all. It doesn’t make us gold diggers to use our brains and not want to struggle; it makes us shrewd. Keep em comin!
Thanks Sarah!
I find this blog both truthful and entertaining! Lol! Fact – One of the top three reasons that couples argue and marriages fail is money. But I know that you knew that already. I think that if more sisters had higher standards that these men would get themselves together and stop trying to hand us off scraps, expecting us to be grateful simply because they’re of the male persuasion. Some even believing that we shouldn’t be concerned about how much money a man makes. Like you said, twisting the scriptures in an effort to Bible shame. I had a brother once joke about me giving him gas money because he picked me up for a date. I found it appalling and classless! Needless to say, I didn’t accept one more phone call from him. He didn’t know the last track I made. The man who doesn’t count the cost before building a tower is ridiculed because he cannot finish the scriptures say. Jehovah had that recorded for our benefit. Now that’s real talk! So I’m with you! Preach it sister!
Glad you like!
Great post! It’s interesting that brothers want sisters who have it together, but don’t have it together themselves. It feels like any mention of finances and you’re pegged a gold digger. I have a good job, my own house and car, and am a spiritual sister. Why should sisters be expected to accept less than what they are bringing to the table.