He seems thoughtful, kind, spiritual, hard-working, mature, and responsible. He’s physically attractive. You’ve heard he’s also fun to hang around. Maybe you’ve even spotted him among mutual friends having a good time. This seems like the type of person you’d like to genuinely get to know more about…but you do nothing. What’s stopping you?
Pause.
I’ve seen this scenario play out so many times. It used to happen to me. I would hear women talk about a situation like this, and I would eagerly listen to learn how they got past this (at the time I was just learning how to move forward myself)…only to be disappointed EVERY TIME. One night, I was listening to several single women dealing with this same “problem” all at the same time. One of them proudly and loudly asked “If he doesn’t approach me, how can he take the lead”? One by one, other women began to nod their heads in unison. I think I grabbed a glass of wine…I figured it was going to be a looooooooooooong night <insert facepalm>. There were a few men at this gathering, so I was hoping they would speak up. My eyes nervously darted around the room. The only one that had the heart to chime in….was a married man. I could tell he was trying not to hurt anyone’s feelings. He tried asking these women questions they could reason on rather than just telling them they were wrong, but they stubbornly clung to their incorrect beliefs….the beliefs that have kept many of them single years later.
Fast forward several years …I still hear the same problematic question, or a variation of the same question from some single women. It’s like they are reading from the same playbook. If they are feeling EXTRA knowledgeable, they might even string together another thought like “if he’s indecisive, you know what the Bible says about an indecisive man” (except he isn’t indecisive…he doesn’t even know you want to meet him). So, I might parrot back the situation to see if they will be honest with themselves about what’s really going on. It might go a little something like this…
“So, you noticed Mr. Attractive. He seems cool, down to earth….kind, you heard good things about him and you would like to learn more about him. He’s responsible from what you have heard. He also may be good association. You may or may not have actually spoken to him for more than 5 seconds. He may or may not know you exist. He may or may not be single. From the outside looking in, he may at the very least look like good association…but because he has not come up to you first to introduce himself or invite you out in the exact way you think he should, you have jumped from 0 to 60 miles and disqualified him as a potential future husband….and Mr. Attractive doesn’t have the slightest idea any of this is happening in your mind.”
Fear is a heck of a drug…so is lack of accountability. How does one go from wanting to get to know more about a person to disqualifying them as a potential mate without ever actually ….doing the work of getting to know the person? I’m not even talking about dating yet. Too many steps have been skipped due to not thinking you need to put in effort to meet and get to know the people you want to meet. If you recognize yourself in this scenario, congratulations on being self aware….you will be able to change your behavior. This way of thinking (due to fear of taking accountability) holds so many women back from meeting men.
